Goodbye, Mr. Badger.

It’s cold again, but the end of these cold spells can’t be too far away. Things are starting to spring back into life again. The grass is growing, daffodils are flowering. The mice and rats are out and about. Wordsworth gave a very one-sided view of these things when he stuck to the daffodils and stars and stuff and left out the rats completely. I suppose poets appreciate things like daffodils, dogs appreciate rats, and for people like me it’s somewhere in between. Grass and things.

My cousin June’s son, Graham, had his birthday party at his grandparents’ house because they have a much bigger garden. They have a peacock too. Graham wasn’t entirely sure how the peacock would take part in the birthday celebrations, but even if it did nothing at all it would do a lot more than the crows or the magpies. They brought their pet duck, Sleepy, to the party too. Graham’s grandfather, my uncle Harry, was always fascinated by Sleepy, or any duck. He has a huge collection of books about ducks falling off chairs, but Sleepy never did anything as exciting at that. He spent most of his time asleep. My cousins Ronan and Hector were watching the kids play ‘pin the tail on the donkey’ at the party, and Ronan said, “Do you remember that scene in Karate Kid where he killed a fly with a thumbtack?” “No.” “That donkey must be really annoyed now after having all those pins stuck in him.” Hector didn’t listen to what Ronan said about the donkey because he was still thinking of killing a fly with a thumbtack. When he met his cousin Jane a few minutes later he said, “How would you kill a fly with a thumbtack?” Jane said that killing a fly with a thumbtack would be extremely unlikely, and when he told her about what Ronan said, she said, “Yeah but he also once talked about the bit in ‘The Wind in the Willows’ where the toad flies away in a helicopter.” Hector thought about this for a few seconds and said, “Yeah, I think I remember that bit.” Ronan was in another room, standing in front of a painting of a horse with a pen in his hand and his eyes closed. He walked towards the painting but he missed it, and he dropped the pen when he hit the wall. The pen fell into a vase, so he put his hand in to get it, but he couldn’t get his hand back out. He had assumed that if he was able to get his hand into something he’d be able to get it back out, but no, his hand was stuck. He thought about breaking the vase, but then he wondered if it was a valuable antique. He knew that Uncle Harry had a book about vases in his study, so he went there. To discourage people from visiting him, Harry only has one chair in the study, and this also ensures that they don’t stay for long when they do visit. When Ronan went in the chair was occupied by the duck, and the book he was looking for was on the top shelf. He needed to stand on the chair to get to the book, but he couldn’t lift the duck off the chair because of his hand in the vase, and every time he woke the duck up, Sleepy would be asleep again within seconds. He could push the duck off, and he was about to do this when he wondered about the safety of this course of action. There was no guarantee that the duck would land on his feet, like cats. He remembered his father’s collection of books about ducks falling off chairs, and the very existence of these books seemed to suggest that it would be unwise to push a duck off a chair. A book would hardly be written about a duck falling off a chair, then landing on its feet and going about its business as if nothing happened. Ronan took one of the duck books off the shelf with his free hand and opened it on the desk. He read a few lines about an English spy using a specially designed screwdriver to blow up a library. That didn’t sound good. Ronan looked for an alternative method of removing the duck. He put a pile of books next to the chair, and then a slightly smaller pile next to the first pile, and then another pile and another, creating a stairs that led from the chair to the ground. Then he gently pushed the duck over onto the books and Sleepy rolled all the way down the stairs to the carpet. He woke up briefly and looked around him, then he waddled out of the room. Hector was looking in the window at this. When he saw the duck roll down the stairs of books he was sure he’d seen that before, but he wasn’t sure if it was in Karate Kid or in The Wind in the Willows, though he thought it was probably the latter. He went back inside to where the kids were playing ‘pin the tail on the donkey’, and he told Uncle Harry about the toad flying away in the helicopter and the duck falling down the stairs in The Wind in the Willows. Harry had never read the book, but it seemed to make his books on ducks falling off chairs look very one-dimensional. He had been thinking of writing a book about a duck falling off a chair, but he had trouble coming up with ideas for it. The Wind in the Willows seemed to offer countless possibilities. He said, “Excuse me a minute, Hector,” and left the room. Graham was delighted when he pinned the tail with the thumbtack on the donkey’s head, and this confused Hector even more - that could have been in Karate Kid or The Wind in the Willows. The picture of the donkey was on the back of a door, and when Ronan opened the door, a blindfolded boy who was walking towards the picture went past him and kept on walking, holding the tail in his hand. Ronan’s hand was still stuck in the vase. He had looked in the book about antiques and the vase was expensive. Harry had a stuffed badger in the shed, so he went to get that. He wondered what he could do with it, something more exciting than falling off a chair. There was a plank in the shed. He could get the badger to slide down the plank. It didn’t sound much more exciting than falling off a chair, but it was a start. So he took the plank outside and put it on a low wall to create a hill, and he put the badger on the top. It slid slowly down the plank and stopped about half way down. Harry gave it a push and it slid down to the bottom of the plank. That was a bit of an anti-climax. As he stood there looking at the badger, wondering what to do next, people came out to see what he was up to. When Hector went into the back garden, the duck and the peacock were getting ready to fight. Sleepy was standing on one leg on top of a fence post, and the peacock raised his feathers. “Now that’s definitely from Karate Kid,” Hector thought. There was a big crowd around Harry when the boy in the blindfold appeared. He was still holding the tail with the thumbtack in front of him. People got out of his way, but Uncle Harry only saw him at the very last moment. He tripped over a kerb when he tried to get out of the way. He fell onto one end of the plank, and the other end flew up, launching the stuffed badger into the air. He flew over the trees and into a field. When Harry fell over, Ronan let go of the pen in the vase and the vase fell off his hand, breaking on the ground. Then he realised how he was able to get his hand in but couldn’t get it out. “Ronan, you idiot!” Hector said. “That wasn’t from Karate Kid at all. It’s from The Wind in the Willows.”

The moose’s head over the fireplace does look like James Bond when he wears the hat. Every time we put it on him he always looks as if he’s trying to raise one of his eyebrows, but he fails completely. I can only raise one of my eyebrows. Well, I can raise both of them at the same time but I can only raise one of them without raising the other, if that makes any sense. I avoid raising an eyebrow in front of the moose. My ability to do it and his inability would surely spoil the illusion of being James Bond, especially in the light of my inability to open tins.

A long, long way to run.

It’s nice to have a bit more daylight in the early evenings. It’s nice to notice the extra light every day too. It gives the dog more time to chase birds and bury things. That’s not nice, but you might as well be talking to the wall when you try to explain to the dog that it’s not nice to frighten and bury things, although in fairness, he’s never buried anything capable of being frightened.

My cousin Hugh had to look after Aunt Bridget’s cat on one Saturday when Bridget and Uncle Harry had to visit someone, and their son, Ronan, was busy. When she asked Hugh to look after her cat he agreed because he didn’t think it was a real job. He didn’t know what it was, but it didn’t sound real. Then it gradually dawned on him that she really did want him to look after her cat because the cat just had an operation. Before she left, she held the cat in her arms and said to Hugh, “You’ll have your work cut out with this little fella. He’s a little rascal. You are, aren’t ya? You’re a little rascal. You’ll need nerves of steel, Hugh.” The cat spent most of the day asleep in its basket in the kitchen. Hugh was bored out of his mind. He even tried waking the cat a few times by poking it with an umbrella, just for something to do, but the cat always went back to sleep again. At three o’ clock, Hugh stood in the hall, looking at a painting. It was a huge hall, with the ceiling way above. He stood there for nearly half an hour in complete silence, but then he heard the sound of someone running towards the front door. The door opened and his cousin Ronan ran in, said ‘hello’ to Hugh, and ran on. Hugh said, “Oh, hello, ah…” But Ronan kept going and ran out the back door. There was silence again, but then about ten seconds later Hugh heard the sound of more footsteps. Many more footsteps. A man in a Nazi uniform came in through the front door and ran down the hall towards the back door. He was followed by about thirty others, some dressed as Nazis, some as nuns. When the last of them had left through the back door there was complete silence in the house again. Hugh couldn’t face the prospect of another hour of this, so he ran out the back door too. Ronan had run through the fields behind the house, and the others were following them. Hugh was a cross-country runner, so he was able to overtake the chasing pack and catch up with his cousin. He asked him about the chase and Ronan said, “Do you know that song ‘Doe a deer’?” “Yeah.” “Well I threw a lampshade at a deer.” “Why?” “I thought it was going to attack me.” “And how did all those people see you throw a lampshade at a deer?” “They were on the stage. So was the deer.” “How did they get a deer onto the stage?” “It wasn’t really a deer. Jumpy Mahon was playing the deer.” “Why are all those people angry with you for throwing a lampshade at Jumpy Mahon?” “Because it wasn’t really Jumpy Mahon either. It was a Shetland pony in antlers.” “Why did you throw a lampshade at a Shetland pony?” “Because I thought it was Jumpy Mahon.” And before Hugh asked the next question, Ronan said, “Because I wasn’t wearing my glasses.” “Well why did you think Jumpy Mahon was going to attack you?” “He used to be playing the deer and I suggested that he play Mary Poppins because of the song ‘Doe a deer’.” “But that’s from The Sound of Music, not Mary Poppins.” “I know that now.” “Well what musical are ye doing?” “The Sound of Music.” “But…” “I forgot.” “But… But why would he get so upset about you suggesting he play Mary Poppins?” “Because his brother once had an affair with a German au pair. And then in the rehearsal today I said the words ‘Mary a name I call myself’, and then Jumpy looked at me and made a very threatening noise, so I threw the lampshade at him. And then I realised it was the pony.” “But didn’t you know that the Shetland pony…” “I forgot.” The chasing pack were starting to close in, and Ronan said, “Our best chance is if we split up.” “But they’re not chasing me.” “They are now,” Ronan said, and then he ran to his right. Hugh ran down a hill, and some of the chasing pack followed him. He was getting tired but he wasn’t worried about being caught because his pursuers looked on the point of collapse, but then he tripped on a stone and when he looked up he was surrounded by them. They took his clothes and they debated whether to dress him as a nun or a Nazi. If they’d known that he was a candidate in an upcoming local election they’d have dressed him as a Nazi, but they went for the nun. Hugh got back to the house just before his aunt. She saw him in the nun costume, covered in sweat with dirt on his face, and completely out of breath. The cat woke up and ran towards her. She picked him up and said to Hugh, “I told ya, didn’t I.”

The moose’s head over the fireplace always looks suspicious when he sees cows on the TV. He just doesn’t like horses, but he doesn’t know what to make of cows. The wife’s niece was in the room the other day and she had a pop-up book with cows in it. I think the moose was suspicious of the pop-up book too. He certainly doesn’t know what to make of the wife’s niece. She once asked him if he’d ever been to the Olympics.

The Story Book.

The frost stays on the ground for hours in the shade, but it’s much warmer where the sun shines. The dog is digging holes where the trees are at the end of the garden, as if he’s trying to find something he lost. I hope he doesn’t find the watch I lost there. He’d never give it back. I’d rather never find it again than give him the satisfaction of refusing to give it back to me.

My cousin Mike and his wife Louise bought a bike for the their son, Scott, on his birthday. Scott’s aunt gave him a pop-up story book. He didn’t bother reading the words, but he did enjoy looking through it to see the things that pop up. When his aunt asked him if he’d read it he said he had, but then his mother asked him what it was about. He remembered seeing a church steeple, a piece of cheese and a wolf, so he said, “There was a mouse in a church and they set a trap for it but he took the cheese from the trap, so then they sent in a wolf to kill the mouse, but they joined forces and they held the priest hostage for days until their demand for… for more cheese was met.” Scott’s parents both looked at his aunt. She said, “I’m sorry. I had no idea it was like that.” Louise had a few geese and she used to talk to them every morning when she fed them. She’d talk about the weather, or tell them how fat they were getting. But then one morning she seemed upset about something. Scott could clearly detect this in her voice as she told the geese about how all the coffee was gone and there was plenty of coffee there yesterday but this morning all the coffee was gone. And she always used another word just before ‘coffee’ (that’s how Scott knew she was upset about something). He wondered how she went from talking about the geese getting fat on one morning to complaining about the missing coffee on the next (‘missing’ wasn’t the word she used). After his success with guessing the story in the book by filling in the blanks between two points, he decided to use this technique here. He came up with an explanation within seconds. If she was talking about the geese getting fat yesterday and the missing coffee today, then the geese must have eaten the coffee. Whenever his mother wanted him to admit doing something wrong she’d say things like, “I have no idea who could have broken the flowerpot. It’s a mystery.” So she must have been telling the geese about the missing coffee so they’d feel guilty and admit it. There didn’t seem to be much chance of that happening. And Scott would have thought the idea of geese eating or drinking coffee would be unlikely too, so he decided to put that to the test. After his mother got some coffee in the shop, he made a big bowl of it and gave it to the geese, and they loved it. Scott went inside, but a few minutes later he heard a noise from the back garden. He looked out the window, and something was clearly upsetting the geese. They were running all over the place, flapping their wings and trampling on the flowerbeds. The most likely explanation for this would be the coffee. He went outside with his mother and she said, “What’s wrong with them?” Scott said, “Now let’s see if we can work this out. Yesterday you told them how fat they were getting, and today you told them about the coffee…” “Oh my God! They must be upset because I was upset. I never knew they were that sensitive.” On the following morning, Louise spoke to the geese in a very calm voice. She talked about how it was going to be a fine day, and how they were getting fat, but fat in a good way. She said they were looking better than ever. A few days later, Scott found a piece of string in the back garden. He picked it up and followed it, rolling it up as he went, but it led nowhere, so he put it back down again. The geese stared at him as he did this, wondering what he was doing. He didn’t really know what he was doing himself. There was nothing at the start or at the end of the string. If he knew the start or the end he could make up the middle. But now he has the middle and it’s just a piece of string. He talked about the pointlessness of the string, just lying on the ground, with nothing at the beginning or the end. He went back inside, but a few minutes later he heard the geese in the garden. They were upset about something again, and Scott wondered if it was because of what he said about the string, about the pointlessness of it. Maybe they really are that sensitive, he thought. He went outside and spoke to them about how nothing was really pointless, but it didn’t calm them down. He remembered how they just stared at him while he was rolling up the string and putting it down again, so he did that, and the geese started to calm down. Scott rolled up the string and then put it down where he picked it up, then he rolled it up and put it down again. He kept doing this, and the geese stared at him all of the time, but Scott found it depressing because it was so pointless. The only reason for it was to calm down the geese. He tried to think of a good reason for the string on the ground, but when the middle was just a piece of string he found it difficult to come up with a good beginning or end. He remembered the story he came up with about the pop-up book, and he realised that he could have been completely wrong about that. He went inside to get the book, and he brought it out to read it in front of the geese. They were fascinated by the things popping up from the pages, and they stayed completely quiet as he read. The story was actually about a woman who lived near the church. She left a piece of cheese on her kitchen table, and then she remembered how much her cat likes cheese, so she asked him not to eat it. But he did eat it and he blamed the mouse, and when he knocked over a bottle of milk on her front door he blamed a wolf in the woods. When he met the wolf, the cat ran away because he was afraid the wolf would be angry after being blamed for breaking the milk bottle. Scott thought about the piece of string again and he saw a possible explanation for it then. He told the geese that there was a wolf in the neighbourhood and his mother had tied it up with a piece of string to keep it away from the geese. She suspected that the string wouldn’t be strong enough to hold the wolf, so she asked it not to break free. After she left, the wolf did break free, and that’s why the geese get upset every time Scott goes into the house. The wolf must be hiding somewhere and he comes out every time Scott leaves. Scott was delighted with this explanation, and the geese looked happy too. Louise had gone for a walk with her sister and her sister’s new dog. They walked around the side of the house just then, and the dog barked when he saw the geese. He was only a Jack Russell, but Scott had never considered that his story might be true until he heard the bark. He ran away screaming through the fields. The geese just stood there and watched him go.

The moose’s head over the fireplace always seems to get a bit of a shock when the phone rings in the hall. And then when I come back into the room after talking on the phone it almost looks as if he’s on the verge of falling asleep. I suppose the sound of my voice from the hall does that to him. He looks intrigued by the sound of a tap dripping in another room - it must be a bit of a mystery to him. He takes no notice whatsoever of the sound of a swan ringing a bell. Maybe he would if he knew it was a swan.

Poker

I walked around the garden, listening to the birds and of the sound of the dog doing something to something in the trees. The robins seem to be getting friendlier. One of them landed on the grass just a few feet away from me the other day. A magpie landed nearby recently too. I wouldn’t mind if the magpies stayed away altogether. They have horrible claws - you’ll see that if one of them lands nearby. Whatever the dog is doing, it involves a struggle, and whatever he’s doing it to is struggling.

My cousin Jane once had a feeling that she’d seen a stamp with an image of Olivia Newton-John on it after sending out invitations to her 21st birthday party. She mentioned it to her mother, who said, “What would Olivia Newton-John be doing on a stamp?” Jane said she’d probably be singing or acting, but it didn’t sound very likely. The invitations had just been posted, so she couldn’t look through the stamps again, and she wondered if she’d just imagined it. My cousin Ronan went on a holiday to Spain with some of his friends and he sent a postcard home with a few almost illegible words on it, but one of his friends, Adrian, added in the line: ‘I just met Roxy Music’. Ronan didn’t notice this when he posted the postcard, and he didn’t remember meeting Roxy Music at all when his parents asked him about it. He told Jane about this when she came to visit, and she said, “Maybe it was Roxy Music I saw on the stamp, and not Olivia Newton-John.” That sounded slightly more believable. Ronan wondered if it was Olivia Newton-John he met, and not Roxy Music. This sounded slightly more believable too. He could remember meeting someone who looked a bit like her. He said, “I think I must have written ‘Roxy Music’ on the postcard when I meant to write ‘Olivia Newton-John’.” His mother, my aunt Bridget, asked him where he met Olivia Newton-John but his memory of the meeting was vague, so he couldn’t give many details, and he had a feeling that even if he did know all the details, he couldn’t tell most of them to his mother. When Adrian came around to visit he said to Aunt Bridget, “Did Ronan tell you about anyone interesting he might have met on his holiday?” “Yeah, he met Olivia Newton-John.” This came as a shock to Adrian. He said to Ronan, “When did you meet Olivia Newton-John?” “I don’t know. I can’t really remember.” “Why didn’t you tell us?” “Because I can’t remember.” His mother said, “He told us about it in a postcard.” Adrian wondered why he would have written ‘Olivia Newton-John’ when he meant to write ‘Roxy Music’. Then he remembered a woman he’d met on their last night in Spain. She did look a little bit like Olivia Newton-John, and she was a few years older than him, but surely she wasn’t really Olivia Newton-John. He couldn’t say for sure because he had just a vague memory of the meeting too. Jane thought the idea of seeing Roxy Music on a stamp sounded slightly more believable than Olivia Newton-John. She looked through the stamps in her brother’s stamp collection, but most of them were just images of birds, and she started to think that a stamp with Roxy Music on it seemed unlikely. She was about to give up, but then she found a stamp with an image of a dog on a crutch, and Roxy Music seemed more likely again, so she kept looking and she came across one with a man playing a piano under a full moon. That could be Bryan Ferry, she thought. The piano would suggest Bryan Ferry, but she didn’t know what the full moon meant. Then she found another stamp with a man who was just standing and she thought he might be Brian Eno. It wasn’t the strongest of links, but if you put the two stamps together it could be Roxy Music. So she told everyone that she hadn’t seen a stamp with Olivia Newton-John on it, that it was actually Roxy Music. And she doesn’t just think she’s seen it - she really has seen it. She told her friend, Claudia, about the dog on the crutch, and Claudia said, “I once saw a stamp with a bee in a straightjacket.” Jane said that was ridiculous but Claudia said that if she hadn’t seen a stamp with a bee in a straightjacket, she’d have said that a stamp with a dog on a crutch is ridiculous. Jane said that she’d seen a stamp with a dog on a crutch and she still thinks that a stamp with a bee in a straightjacket is ridiculous. She suggested that Claudia imagined the bee in the straightjacket, but Claudia insisted that she didn’t. “Show it to me then,” Jane said. “I can’t,” Claudia said, “it’s… I can’t.” “You did imagine it.” “Well you show me the one with the dog on the crutch then.” Jane was delighted that Claudia said that. She showed her the stamp with the dog on the crutch and she was about to say that maybe the dog was stung by a bee, and that’s why the bee was put in a straightjacket, but Claudia said, “And where’s the one of Roxy Music?” Jane said she couldn’t remember where the Roxy Music stamp was, but Claudia said, “Because you just imagined it.” So Jane showed her the stamp with the man playing the piano and the other one with the man standing, and Claudia said, “Thinking that you’ve seen a stamp with Roxy Music on it because you’ve seen those two stamps is a million times more stupid than a stamp with a bee in a straightjacket. Which I’ve seen.” Jane said no more about it, but Claudia said much more about it over the coming days. Ronan and Adrian called around on Friday evening and they played poker with Jane and Claudia, but Claudia hated playing card games because she always forgot the rules. Poker just confused her, but she always tried to pretend that she knew what was going on. This game was even more confusing because Adrian was wearing the jester’s hat he wore for most of his holiday in Spain. He looked like the joker and she couldn’t help thinking that this had something to do with the game, but she didn’t say anything about it because they’d already explained the rules very carefully to her. The drink made the time pass by a bit quicker but it didn’t ease the confusion, and she was more confused than ever when she noticed that the label on Jane’s beer bottle had an image of a queen passing out at a royal banquet. Jane was losing badly in the game, but Adrian kept complimenting her on how well she was playing. She didn’t pay much attention to the compliments or the game because when she was looking at the jack of hearts she noticed a bee with a broken bottle in the background. It looked as if the bee was threatening people on the street. And then when she got the jack of spades a few minutes later she saw the bee standing on top of a bus, shouting at people below. She liked the way this story was progressing, so she concentrated only on getting the two remaining jacks. With every hand she’d get four new cards, and when she finally got the jack of clubs she saw the bee again in the background, along with two men in white coats, and one of them was holding a syringe. She couldn’t wait to get the jack of diamonds. Ronan put more effort into the drinking rather than the poker, and after a few hours the queen on Jane’s beer bottle and the jester’s hat were starting to confuse him too. The things that Adrian was saying to Jane sounded familiar, and then when he got a queen and a joker in one hand it dawned on him that Adrian was trying to chat up his cousin, just like with that woman in Spain, the woman he thought might have been Olivia Newton-John. At two o’ clock in the morning they decided to end the game after the next hand. Jane wanted to play until she got the jack of diamonds, but Claudia was on the verge of tears because she had no idea what was going on. Adrian had won a bit of money but he was disappointed because he’d completely failed to make any impression on Jane. She was the worst poker player he’d ever seen. She hadn’t won a single hand, and there was a look of disappointment on her face every time she saw her cards, but in the final hand she looked delighted. Adrian saw his chance. If he could let her win now she might be slightly more disposed to hearing how well she’s playing, so he bet a huge amount of money. Ronan seemed very happy with his hand too, and he raised the stakes even further. Jane raised it again. The only thing Claudia had learnt how to do was to push some money towards the centre of the table. Nobody ever noticed if it was the right amount. So she did this again, and Adrian raised the stakes again. So did Ronan and Jane. It kept going around like this until all of their money was in the pot. Jane was first to show her cards, or card. Adrian asked her what she had, and she said, “I have a jack with a bee in a straightjacket. On a playing card. Not on a stamp at all.” She put the jack of diamonds down in front of Claudia. “Well, you’ve beaten me,” Adrian said. He actually had two nines, but he only showed one of them. Then it was Ronan’s turn. He said, “I have a joker. And who’s this here with the joker? It’s the queen. Hm. They’re leaning against the railing on the balcony of a hotel room. And who’s that knocking at the door. Knock knock. It’s the king… The queen’s husband.” Adrian stood up, put his hands at either side of his head and said, “Oh my God! I gave her my phone number and told her I’d get her a part in a film about a band foiling a plot to take over the world.” He noticed Jane staring at him and he said, “That was just a woman who… She’s my aunt.” They all turned towards Claudia then and she looked frightened. She lay down her cards, and she had three fours. “You’ve won,” Adrian said, but she just broke down in tears because she’d no idea how she’d done it.

The moose’s head over the fireplace looks bored again. I might try putting a hat on his head. As the wife pointed out recently, he looks like James Bond when you put a hat on his head. It’s as if he tries his best to look smooth and suave. He’d never be bored again if he thought he was James Bond.