'Darcy and O'Mara' is a novel by Arthur Cronin.
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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Pixie


The dog seems to have put on a bit of weight recently. He needs more exercise, so I've been taking him for long walks through the fields. The wife's aunt told me that her first job was measuring dogs. She learnt Russian so she could communicate with them. I don't think they actually understood what she said to them in Russian, but it probably stunned them for a while. It would have had a similar effect on Russian people. She showed me some of the poems the dogs had written. Most of them contained slanderous allegations against cats.


My cousin Rachel was looking after her niece and nephew, Daisy and Graham, one afternoon. They told her what they'd been learning about religion in school. Their teacher seemed confused on the subject, and he'd passed on his confusion to the kids. They believed that God would tell them how many crayons they had. He didn't do this in words. Sometimes he did it in kittens. But if one of the kittens in a litter died, does this count as a crayon? Or does it mean that a crayon is missing? Rachel couldn't answer these questions, and she didn't think anyone would be able to give definitive answers.


Later that day she visited all the neighbours to sell raffle tickets to raise money for the local Amateur Dramatic Society. The first prize was an antique sink. A woman called Molly was eager to support the arts and she said she'd buy four tickets. She invited Rachel in to discuss one of the Amateur Dramatic Society's upcoming plays. When the discussion turned to religion Rachel mentioned the conversation she had with Daisy and Graham earlier in the day. Molly said, "I've put a lot of thought into religion over the years. I've considered many different faiths and theories. I've cast aside most of them, but these are the few simple truths I've held onto: We must try to be gracious when we fall. We must be grateful when a fall is bestowed upon us. We must wipe off the dirt and put it in our pockets. We must not seek someone to blame. We must not search the room for the tiny malevolent creatures, the supernatural beings who have a grudge against us because we spoke ill of their leggings or inadvertently stuck a fork in their neck. We must ignore them, at least until the next time we have to stab them in the neck. Most of the time we don't need to worry because the benevolent supernatural beings will protect us."


Rachel tried not to laugh. "Have you seen these beings?" she said.


"Many times. I'm glad to say we're joined by some of the benevolent beings right now. They always respond to the word 'pixie'."


As soon as she said this, a hat on the table started moving around in circles.


Rachel was shocked. She left the house without saying another word. She practically ran home, and she locked the door when she got inside. But then she realised that she might just be locking herself inside with these creatures.


She tried to convince herself that they didn't exist. She had found it very easy to be disbelieving of anything supernatural before she saw the hat moving by itself, but she couldn't erase what she'd seen.


She got a fork, and she practised using it as a weapon. She stabbed the air with it. Her style was influenced by martial arts films. She hadn't seen any martial arts films, but she'd seen parodies of them. She accidentally stabbed the door frame, and she wondered if this had ever happened in a martial arts film. This accident made her realise that she was a danger to herself and to others and to door frames when she had the fork, so she decided to abandon this weapon.


She spoke to Audrey, her brother's girlfriend, about what she'd seen because she knew that Audrey would take it seriously. Audrey said she started believing in rat-eating leprechauns when she found that she couldn't stop believing in rats. This wasn't much help to Rachel because she was terrified of both the malevolent and the benevolent creatures that Molly spoke about.


Rachel didn't go out much over the following few days. She spent a lot of time looking out the window. One evening she saw Molly walking by on the road. Something was moving in her handbag, and Rachel was filled with terror. But then a tiny Chihuahua raised its head out of the bag. Molly gave it a dog biscuit and said, "Back to sleep you go, Pixie."


Rachel was furious. She realised that Molly had played a trick on her. The dog had been hiding in the hat, not a supernatural being. Rachel couldn't bear the thought of someone getting one over on her like this. She wanted revenge. At first she thought about doing something to frighten Molly. A ghost would do the trick, if it was believable enough. But there was a danger that Molly would panic and stab the ghost with a fork. This wouldn't have much effect on a real ghost, but it could make a real ghost out of a fake one.


Rachel considered asking Joe to help her in her plan. He was one of Molly's neighbours. A ventriloquist's dummy called Howard often tried to stab him, but only when Joe had the dummy on his left arm. Howard was very well-behaved when he was on Joe's right arm. Joe had always been suspicious of his left arm. One morning he woke up and he found that Howard was wearing a set of false teeth. He suspected his left arm of putting the teeth into the dummy's mouth.


If Howard moved by himself, possibly with the aid of strings, Molly could be fooled into thinking that the dummy was possessed by a spirit. She wouldn't kill anyone if she stabbed Howard. Rachel asked Joe if he'd go along with this, but he wouldn't take the dummy off his right arm in case his left arm got into it.


Molly often went to the dog track. She was always boasting about the winners she'd backed. Rachel came up with the idea of passing on a fake tip to Molly, some fictional insider knowledge on a fifty-to-one outsider called Roomgaloom, a dog with a smoker's cough. Molly would put a lot of money on this dog, and at the end of the race Rachel would be there to gloat.


Rachel couldn't pass on the tip herself because Molly would be suspicious, so she got Howard to pass on the information instead. Molly respected Howard. They often discussed betting and politics. Rachel told Howard not to say where he got this tip.


The plan was going perfectly until the race. Roomgaloom won (his coughing frightened the other dogs). But all was not lost for Rachel. Molly was even more trusting of Howard after this. She'd bet even more money on his next tip. Rachel found another outsider and she told Howard to tell Molly that this dog was sure to win because he had just overcome his phobia of hares, which had held him back in other races.


This time the plan seemed to go perfectly until after the race. The dog lost, and Rachel was looking forward to gloating, but then she saw Molly collecting her winnings. Howard hadn't passed on the tip that Rachel had given him. Instead he told Molly to back the dog that had gone on to win the race. When Rachel asked Howard about this he said that instinct made him do it. He somehow knew that Kingslowbat would win.


Molly kept backing winners based on Howard's tips, but the pressure of supplying the tips eventually got to him. He started drinking heavily, which left Joe with a wet arm. Joe was worried. He even considered putting Howard on his left arm when his dummy turned violent.


But then one day Howard was back to his old self. He told Molly that Ballyflangod was definitely going to win the first race on the card. She put a lot of money on this dog. She had been betting more and more with each race. Ballyflangod came last and Howard looked relieved. He had deliberately given a bad tip because he couldn't take the pressure any more. Rachel finally had a chance to gloat. She said to Molly, "That's what you get for playing tricks on people. Pixie would have beaten Ballyflangod." Molly scowled at Rachel, and Pixie was struggling to get out of her handbag. Rachel walked away victorious. Molly found she had made a profit after she added up the winnings from all of the races, but Rachel chose to ignore this.


The moose's head over the fireplace has been listening to the sound of the rain on the window over the past few days. Rose, one of our neighbours, came to visit at the weekend and she said you can improve your memory by listening to the rain or by watching the ripples of raindrops in puddles. She believes that we see things with our eyes and these images are passed on to our brains. The brain takes notes by dropping tiny pebbles into the sea in our heads. When the ripples reach the shores their frequency is recorded. Each frequency represents a tiny part of the image. Thousands of pages of records are needed for an entire image. The image can be recreated in the mind's eye using the records. It's impossible to create an exact replica of the image because of interference with the ripples as they travel towards the shore. A boat on the sea can seriously disrupt your memory. If you've been looking at a lot of things, this may lead to a build-up of pebbles on the sea bed. These can be disposed of with a good sneeze.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The Tree School


There are hints of summer in the weather. It's impossible to resist the outdoors on days like these. The wife's aunt walks through the garden with a spring in her step. She bought the spring from a man who sells raisons. Each raison is embedded in a parsnip. I don't know what he hopes to achieve by this, but his raisons are selling very well.


My cousin Bertie used to go to a school in a tree. This is why he always feels a warm nostalgic glow whenever he climbs a tree. There was a small garden in the tree school. The lawn was about the size of a lawnmower, and it was contained in a wooden box. Bertie's teacher, Ted, loved cricket, and he used to practise his bowling on the lawn because up in the tree he couldn't be seen by the people who believed that there must be a political motive behind playing cricket.


After the government paid for a proper building for the school (or close enough to a proper building -- it was made out of straw) Ted bought the tree and he set up home in it. Bertie often visits him in the tree house. One day when Ted was practising his bowling he found a tooth on the lawn. He showed it to one of his neighbours, who told him that a fairy left it there, and this wouldn't have been a benevolent tooth fairy. The former owner of the tooth would have lost it in a fight, and a malevolent fairy would have taken great delight in this. The tooth should never have been picked up from the lawn, according to Ted's neighbour. A curse would fall on the person who picked it up, unless a banquet was held on the lawn. The banquet should begin at midnight.


Ted wondered how many people he'd need to invite to turn an ordinary dinner party into a banquet. It was all academic because he could only fit six people into the tree. Bertie was invited, and he helped Ted prepare the banquet. They hung lights from the tree. They put two planks over the lawn and they put the dinner table on top of the planks. Most of the chairs were tied to branches.


Despite the cramped conditions, the guests enjoyed their midnight meal. The banquet was in full swing when they heard the sound of a fly. Ted and all of his guests were transfixed by the fly. They watched it fly around in circles over their heads. No one said a word until the fly flew away, and its sound faded to silence.


Ted had kept the blackboard as a reminder of the tree's former purpose as a school. After the fly had gone he noticed that these words had been written on the blackboard: 'Redmond is in for a surprise tonight'.


Ted and his guests knew Redmond. He lived half a mile away from the tree. They decided to visit his house and warn him of this surprise. Redmond hadn't been invited to the banquet because the last time he was at a party he spent an hour laughing at the word 'melons'.


Ted, Bertie and the others left the tree and they walked through the fields. As they approached Redmond's house they saw that a light was still on. He was working on one of his model ships. He wanted to build a fleet that would be capable of capturing Belgium. It wasn't that he had anything against Belgium -- he just knew his limitations. Capturing Britain would be beyond his skills as an imaginary naval commander, and he did have something against Britain. For years he had spent his evenings building model ships in his living room. There were many paintings on the walls of the room. Most of them were of ships. One was of Angelica, the woman he loved. She often told him that she didn't love him, but she respected his decision to fall in love with her. She wasn't bothered by the fact that her portrait was on his wall. She often came around to admire it, especially on days when she looked better in the portrait than she did in the mirror.


Ted rang the doorbell. Redmond was surprised to see the crowd at his door. Bertie gave him a quick summary of the story so far and he invited them all in. They were still in banquet mode, and this infused the living room with a party mood. Redmond poured the drinks and someone put a record on the record player. He didn't mind the sudden onset of a party in his house. He didn't pay much attention to it because he was so preoccupied with this surprise that was coming his way. He went through the various possibilities with Bertie. Most of the ideas Ted came up with involved things falling on his head. He liked the thought of eels falling on his head, but not if those eels were clad in armour. Bertie didn't think this was very likely. His ideas were more realistic. He suggested that a long-lost relative might arrive on Redmond's doorstep with a gift. Redmond suggested that this gift could be a bucket of eels.


Bertie thought he heard footsteps outside. Redmond went to the front door and he found an envelope in the letter box. He opened the door and looked out, but there was no one there.


The envelope contained a map of the land surrounding his house. There was a red X marked on it. This spot was in the corner of a field on a hillside. "It looks as if your surprise is underneath your feet and not over your head," Bertie said.


They got shovels from Redmond's shed and they all went to the field, but they found a very large woman on the spot where they wanted to dig. She was very large more in height than in width. She was over seven foot tall, and she looked as if she had no intention of leaving her spot. They needed to get her to move, and Bertie came up with an idea. He said to her, "We're here because we felt that it was our duty to bring something to your attention. Someone has painted a very unflattering picture of a very large woman on the wall outside the old cement factory."


The very large woman was furious, but she didn't take her anger out on the messenger. She went straight to the old cement factory instead. Bertie, Ted and Redmond started digging while the other guests from the banquet looked on.


After half an hour of digging they came across a wooden box. Ted opened the box, and inside he found a gold ring and a dead magpie. The magpie showed a surprising amount of energy for a dead bird. It grasped the ring in its talons and flew away. Bertie would never have guessed that so many of the guests at the banquet had guns. Most of them shot into the night sky, but none of them hit the target. They looked disappointed as they replaced the guns in coat pockets or in handbags.


The very large woman was furious when she returned and saw what had happened to her spot. She raised her arms in the air and she said something in a language that Bertie didn't recognise. Within seconds a hurricane arrived and they all had to crouch to avoid being blown away down the hill. Bertie could just about hear Ted saying that his house would be destroyed.


Only Maude could help them in a situation like this. They made their way to her house. She had been wakened by the storm. She was worried about her own house until they told her that the hurricane didn't spring from natural causes. "I'll take care of this," she said.


She stood on top of a hill and she faced the strong wind. She sang the storm away. The hurricane retreated with a whimpering sound.


The very large woman saw what had been done to her storm and she wasn't prepared to accept defeat. She climbed to the top of the hill and came face to face with Maude. She raised her arms in the air again, but before she could say anything a gold ring fell onto one of her fingers. She started shrinking, and her face changed. She became a beautiful young woman, and she seemed happy with the alterations.


The dead magpie would have fallen on her head if a quick-thinking Redmond hadn't been there to catch it. He was standing right in front of her, holding the magpie over her head. He was wondering what it would feel like to have a dead magpie fall on his head when he noticed that she was smiling at him. He smiled back at her.


Anjelica heard about the way he rescued a woman from becoming the landing site for a dead magpie. She also heard about the smiling, and rumours about what followed the smiling. She became jealous. She started calling around to his house every evening. They soon discovered that they shared an interest in things falling on their heads. He used to practise this hobby with her every evening, instead of making model ships.


The moose's head over the fireplace is still listening to the clock, and the clock is still smoking its pipe. It seems to be muttering something about rhubarb as well. One of our neighbours called around last night and she was wearing a watch that was as big as a clock. She spent a lot of time talking about her sense of time passing. If she stopped thinking about it and talking about it she'd have a lot more time for other things. She can balance wine glasses and potatoes on her watch. This is useful when she's having a party.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Hog's Caravan


I love the sound of the rain on the roof of the shed. I can just about hear the mice sliding down the drain pipes as well. They use the drain pipes as water slides. When they get to the ground they climb up to the roof and slide down again. I can hear them laughing as they slide.


My cousin Charlie was looking for a good distraction one day. He counted the empty beer bottles outside the back door. Nine green bottles, six brown. He left some of them standing on the concrete, the rest of them balancing on the moss. He arranged them in two rows, one for each colour. He couldn't resist pointing all of the labels in the same direction. He wiped his feet on the mat before going back inside. The beer in the bottles hadn't cleared his mind, and the empty bottles hadn't done much good either. He needed another distraction.


He decided to go to see Sophia. She lived in a green house down the road. He often called around to see her. She seemed to have a different hairstyle every time they met, but he didn't know enough about hairstyles to be able to say for sure. She seemed to be taller when she stood in her kitchen, but maybe the ceiling was lower there, or maybe he was smaller there. She enjoyed spending time with him. She said that when she lived at home they had nothing better to do with their time than look at their watches and scream at each other, which sounded like fun.


When he got to her house he told her he was looking for a distraction, and she said she needed one as well. She suggested telling each other what they were trying to forget, exchanging unwelcome thoughts. Charlie said he was trying to forget about a man called Russell. At the end of each day Russell would drink the wine made by his feet. This involved licking his feet. It was a great way of getting drunk, or at least nauseous. He went jogging every evening to create foot wine. Sophia said she was trying to forget about the spider eaters who kept distracting her from her novel. She was starting to resent the spider eaters.


The spider eaters did make Charlie forget about Russell, but then he wanted to forget about the spider eaters. Sophia wanted to forget about the foot wine. They tried to think of something they could do to take their minds off these things. She told him about the two security guards outside a restaurant in the town. They were there just for show. People were welcome to attach stamps to their faces. She had heard that one of the guards had fallen asleep standing up and some local teenagers posted him to Mexico. He came back months later with a tan, a sombrero and lots of stories. The other guard was jealous. He wanted to be posted as well, so he was pretending to be asleep. He'd been snoring for days, but no one had posted him yet. Sophia suggested doing something with him to take their minds off their unwelcome thoughts.


They went to the restaurant and they found the security guard standing outside the door with his eyes closed. The other guard was telling a story to a group of people who had gathered in a circle around him. The story was about being kidnapped by bandits and getting married to a woman who had sixteen children.


Sophia and Charlie stood in front of the guard who was supposedly sleeping and they wondered what they could do. "I think he's too big to post," Sophia said. "We wouldn't be able to lift him."


The guard opened one eye to see who was there.


"We could take him to Hog's caravan," Charlie said. "But we wouldn't be able to lift him. He'd have to sleep-walk his way there."


The security guard put out his hands and started walking forwards. He opened one eye every so often to see where he was going.


Hog had set up a pub in a caravan in the middle of a field. On the way there the security guard spoke in his sleep. He said his name was Peter. When they got to the caravan, Charlie pretended to wake up Peter. "Where am I?" he said when he opened his eyes.


"We've kidnapped you," Sophia said. "We thought you needed a break from your duties, so we've taken you here."


They went into the caravan and sat on a narrow wooden bench in a corner. They were surprised by how much space there was inside, and Hog had made maximum use of that space. There were no tables, only wooden benches. Your knees would be close to the knees of the person opposite you.


The caravan was nearly full. No one said a word. Every evening the drinkers would go through the same routine. They'd all sit in silence until Billy would say something depressing, like 'The fog in my head will never go away'. This statement would trigger one of Bernard's monologues. The monologue would be brought to an end by an interruption from Christy. He'd stand up and say something, and everyone else would respond with a cheer. Sometimes the interruption would come after five minutes, but on most evenings they had to wait much longer. On one occasion they had to wait for five hours. A wait of about two hours would be ideal because the interruption would release the maximum amount of energy into the party that invariably followed. The party would be in full swing within seconds of Christy's interruption.


Charlie, Sophia and Peter sat in silence for nearly half an hour until Billy said, "I need sleep before I die."


Bernard said, "The king of sleep is a lonely man. 'The thing of sleep' sounds like 'the king of sleep', but the thing of sleep is a fish. 'The thing of sleep stinks of holiness'. This has been said on more than one occasion. It has been said on two occasions. The same man said it on both occasions. The king of sleep is a man, but he's not the same as the man who said 'The thing of sleep stinks of holiness' on two occasions. This is because they were separated in an operation." Bernard paused to drink the rest of his pint. When he was given another pint he said, "That reminds me of my uncle Fergus. He was a ventriloquist whose sidekick was called Biff. He once left his hand in the puppet for too long, and he couldn't get it out again. Biff developed internal organs. If Fergus forcibly removed his hand he might pull out a liver or a kidney. An operation was proposed to remove the puppet..."


Bernard's monologue went on for over two hours, and this was enough to empty the minds of Charlie and Sophia. The monologue came to an end when Christy stood up and said, "I'm long overdue an operation on my head, and the surgeon can't wait to get out of its bottle."


Everyone else stood up and cheered. Drink was poured and most of the drinkers poured out of the caravan. When Sophia, Charlie and Peter went out they saw a huge crowd, and they wondered how everyone had managed to fit inside. A party was well underway.


Peter did what he does at every party: he fell in love with a woman and they both got drunk. He'd be on top of the world for about an hour, but then the alcohol would fill him with self-doubt. He'd think that she's only interested in him because she's drunk. He'd become withdrawn, and he'd drift away from her.


After falling in love with a woman called Nathalie and believing that his love was reciprocated, he entered the stage of self-doubt and he drifted away from her. He told Charlie and Sophia about Nathalie. He said, "She said 'hi' to something made out of cardboard, and that cardboard thing asked her to dance. And if, after a long chain of events, she ends up having cardboard children, their faces will get soggy when they cry and she'll have to dry them with hairdryers. They'll write swear words on each other's faces and on their paper hair. When the stress of having a cardboard family gets to her she might think of me. I'd be a vague memory in her mind. She wouldn't remember my name, but maybe she'd wonder what might have been."


Nathalie was standing next to him when he said this. Another effect of the alcohol was a blindness to people standing next to him. She said, "That cardboard thing means nothing to me. I'd much rather be with you."


"Really?"


"Absolutely."


"This is much better than pretending to be asleep."


Peter and Nathalie left together, and the party ended shortly afterwards. It always fizzled out after a few hours. There would be silence again. Bernard would say, "As I was saying..." He'd resume his monologue, but his concluding remarks would never last longer than five minutes. Silence would follow, and then Billy would repeat the remark he made earlier. Everyone would go home after this.


After Bernard had ended the story of his uncle's separation from the puppet and Billy had said 'I need sleep before I die', people started to go home. Charlie and Sophia couldn't stop thinking about the puppet and the operation, but it was better than thinking about the foot wine or the spider eaters.


The moose's head over the fireplace has been listening to the clock over the past few days. It's been making a strange noise. It keeps coughing as well, but I can't get it to stop smoking its pipe.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Albert's Debt


I could spend hours in the glasshouse, looking out at the garden in the wind and the rain. It's much more relaxing than fishing. The last time I went fishing I failed to catch anything edible, although the dog did try to eat a shoe I caught. He covered it in a hollandaise sauce first.


My cousin Albert called to a neighbour's house one evening to return a chainsaw. Albert's father got a loan of the chainsaw to cut down a tree that was annoying him. The neighbour, Walter, invited Albert in for a glass of whiskey. A poker game was just about to begin in the kitchen. Three of Walter's friends were sitting at the table, and Walter asked Albert to join them. Albert thought he'd end up losing money and exiting the game early if he took part, but he'd have a limitless supply of whiskey if he played, so he agreed.


Two hours later, only Albert and a man called Terence were still in the game. Albert was amazed to find that he was on the verge of winning nearly three-hundred euros. His excitement blinded him to the fact that there are occasions when it's better to lose. Only after the final hand was played and he collected his winnings did he notice the look on Terence's face. It was a look of anger on a face that had been in many fights.


Albert said his goodbyes and left the house. He could feel the red hot glare of Terence's eyes on the back of his head, and he was terrified of feeling the dull thud of a plank on that same spot. He knew that Terence would seek revenge.


Over the next few days, Albert was nervous every time he left the house. He sensed danger around every corner and behind every wall. When he was walking down a quiet road one day he saw a woman looking into a ditch. She was holding tweezers in her hand. When she saw him she held up the tweezers and she asked him if there was anything she could extract from him. He wondered if this was a threat, but it turned out that she just loved extracting things with her tweezers.


Her name was Valerie. He spent the rest of that day watching her extract things. They enjoyed each other's company, and they spent a lot of time together over the following weeks. He spent most of the money he had won on a trip to Achill Island with her. They went there to see one of her friends play the trombone.


She loved flowers, especially daffodils. When he was walking to her house one day he saw some daffodils on the side of the road. He picked a few for her, and he started to wonder if he was falling in love. Picking daffodils was a sure sign that his brain was being affected.


These thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a man shouting at him. This man lived nearby, and he claimed to be the rightful owner of the daffodils. Albert ran away, and it wasn't long before the shouts faded to silence and he was able to return his thoughts to Valerie.


He spent a few hours watching her extract ants from ice cream. When he was on his way home in the evening his thoughts of Valerie were put on hold when Terence emerged from behind a gate and blocked his path.


"I heard what you did to those poor defenceless daffodils," Terence said. "I was shocked. Dinny is still dazed. He can't understand how anyone could be so callous. 'My daffodils never harmed anyone,' he keeps saying. You're going to have to pay for this. Recompense is needed, and you have two options. One is that I do to you what you did to the daffodils. The other is a financial settlement. Something in the region of three-hundred euros. Two-hundred and ninety-four."


"Isn't that how much I won on the poker game?"


"Possibly. I haven't had time to compare the figures. Give the money to me, and I'll make sure Dinny gets it."


"But I spent the money."


"Well you're going to have to find it then, aren't you. Or else go for the other payment option."


Albert discussed the problem with Valerie and she said it wasn't really a problem at all because her uncle George was such a great source of revenue. At every major event in her life he always gave her as much money as he could find in his vicinity. She just needed to invent another major event, and she came up with the perfect plan. Valerie and Albert would pretend to be engaged.


They called around to George's house. He took them into his living room and he said he'd pour them a drink, but he couldn't seem to find the bottle or the glasses. The room was a mess. There were books and stacks of paper everywhere. George was writing a book about the history of stairs.


When Valerie said that she and Albert were engaged, George congratulated them. After wishing them a long and happy life together he took some bank notes from his pocket and he gave them to Valerie. "Take these," he said. He found some more cash underneath a book. "And these." The next stash was hidden in a folder. "And these as well."


After uncovering cash from locations all around the room, Albert had more than enough to pay Terence. They thanked George for his generosity, and they left so he could continue working on his book. Albert was glad to have the money, but he had some reservations about pretending to be engaged. He said to Valerie, "Won't he find out the truth eventually?"


"Our 'engagement' won't last long. I'll tell him I left you after I found out that you were sleeping with one of my friends. Or if it makes you more comfortable, I'll tell him that I was sleeping with one of your friends. He might give me more money."


Albert paid Terence, and he was able to think exclusively about Valerie again. He spent most of his free time with her. He went for a walk in the woods with her one day, and when they went back to her house in the evening they found a crowd waiting there for them. It was a surprise party to celebrate their engagement.


"Why didn't you tell us you were engaged?" her mother said to her.


"Yes," her father said through gritted teeth. "Why didn't you tell us?"


"It was meant to be a surprise," Valerie said.


"Well we got in there with our own surprise," her mother said. "I hope ye both enjoy the party."


"Yes," her father said. "I hope ye enjoy it." It sounded as if he wasn't enjoying it at all. Albert noticed that the look on his face looked remarkably like Terence's expression after he'd lost money on the poker game. He made his feelings known when he shook Albert's hand. Albert struggled to stay standing.


Most of the other relatives were more heartfelt in their congratulations. After nearly an hour of introductions and handshakes, Albert finally managed to have a private conversation with Valerie. "I suppose now wouldn't be a good time to announce that one of us has been sleeping with someone else," he said.


"We'll have to put that off for a few weeks. Or a few months. We can just play it by ear."


Albert noticed that a new arrival was glaring at him just as intensely as Valerie's father or Terence had. "Who's that?" Albert said to Valerie.


"That's Paul," she said. "He's... or he was... and I suppose in some senses he still is... But in other senses... He's been in Canada for a few months. And before that we were sort of... But not really. Because if we really were he wouldn't have gone to Canada for a few months. I wouldn't say he was ever my boyfriend but... I don't know."


Paul knew, judging by the look on his face. He was bigger than Terence, but the look of anger on his face was similar. Paul looked as if he wanted to take his anger out on a punch bag capable of saying 'Please don't punch my face'.


Later that night he managed to corner Albert. He said, "I'm going to break something of yours. I don't know what it is yet. But don't worry. You'll be able to fix it again, either with glue or with months of medical attention and physiotherapy."


Albert came to the conclusion that no matter what he did he was bound to enrage someone, so instead of trying to placate everyone he started to wonder which one of them would be the best vessel to fill with anger. He could go on pretending to be engaged to Valerie and risk the wrath of Paul or he could tell the truth and infuriate George. The latter option seemed more appealing. George didn't look like the sort of man who'd go for physical violence, even when he was owed a few hundred euros.


Albert consulted with Valerie, and she agreed that the best way out of their predicament was to come clean. So they announced to the guests that they were never really engaged, and that it was all just a scam to get money from George.


Albert was relieved to find that George wasn't angry at all. He started laughing, and he didn't stop laughing when Albert explained that he didn't have the money to pay him back.


When George finally managed to stop laughing he said, "Don't worry about the money. There's no need to pay me back. You can work off the debt instead. I need an assistant to help me with my book."


Albert thought that helping a man write a book about stairs was much better than being punched in the face or having something broken, but after a few weeks of working with George he wasn't so sure. When he wasn't trawling through pages of tedious text about stairs he had to listen to long dissertations about newel-posts. He came to the conclusion that a punch in the face would be better than this, but months of physiotherapy would be just as tedious.


The moose's head over the fireplace has given up trying to listen to the sound that the wife's aunt claims to hear, but the dog often gets transfixed by a faint buzzing noise in the garden. The wife's uncle says that a friend of his can transfix animals by playing the flute. He tried it on a group of women once, and it worked. They were all drawn towards him. He noticed the murderous intent in their eyes as they approached him so he stopped playing, but still they kept coming. He did what he always does in such situations: he took out his false teeth and he threatened to throw them. The women ran away screaming.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Three Witches


I took my grandfather's bike out of the shed yesterday and I cycled it around the garden. He used to cycle it down the garden paths on summer evenings. After cycling for an hour he'd start to get the feeling that he was being watched by Vikings. This led him to believe that he was travelling back in time. He started cycling in the opposite direction to travel forward in time. When he saw the first moon landing on TV he had a feeling he'd seen it before.


My cousin Bertie saw a cat in his garden one morning. He was never very fond of cats, and this one was particularly unappealing. He said to it, "You'd be a more bearable sight if you sat on your face and displayed the other end to the world around you."


The cat paid no heed to Bertie's advice.


When Bertie was walking home from the pub late that night he saw the cat again. It was sitting on top of a stone wall next to the road, along with two other cats. He watched them as he walked past and they stared back at him. When he returned his gaze to the road ahead he stopped suddenly. Three witches were blocking his path. These witches were well known in the area. One of them said, "My cat told me what you said."


"I've regretted that ever since I said it," Bertie said. "It was undoubtedly an error of judgement. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise to the cat for any offence caused."


The witch pointed at him and she said something he didn't understand. All the buttons on his clothes fell off, and his trousers fell down. The witches laughed, and the cats started laughing as well. He hated having to entertain cats.


One of the witches went to the wall and picked up a cat. She squeezed the cat and it sounded like the bagpipes. She played a tune that only the cat enjoyed.


Bertie pulled up his trousers and hurried on, but the cat followed him. When he got to his house he went inside and locked the door. He went to bed, but he couldn't sleep because the cat was outside and he could hear it meowing all night. Each meow sounded like the bagpipes.


This was one of many tricks they played on him. When he got up in the morning he went to the kitchen to make some tea, but his teapot was full of toothpaste.


The witches could make hens lay exploding eggs. The hens would lay the eggs and then run for cover. It was very difficult to wash off the yellow goo. When Bertie went outside, a hen emerged from a hedge and laid an egg at his feet. She returned to the safety of the hedge as quickly as she could. Bertie was just about to pick up the egg when it exploded. He had to go back inside to have a bath.


A man called Justin used to compose slanderous songs about people and he'd sing them in public while playing his guitar. The witches got him to write a song about Bertie. The lyrics suggested that he stole and ate pet rabbits.


The song wasn't as annoying as the cat who kept following Bertie around and making bagpipe sounds. He knew he needed to do something to get back in the witches' good books. His neighbour, Eileen, said she made them a cake once and they gave her some honey. Bertie thought he'd need something more than cake to appease the witches, so he decided to give them a bottle of champagne.


They used to meet amongst the boulders on a hilltop every evening. He went there with the champagne and he presented it to them. They said they were very appreciative of his generosity, and they had a gift for him as well. They gave him a new rock for his rockery. It was a gift he couldn't refuse because he didn't want to offend them. He tried lifting the rock, but he'd only walked five yards before he had to stop and take a break. His house was half a mile away. He didn't think he'd be able to carry the rock all the way, but he had to try.


It got dark very quickly, and then it started raining heavily. He could hear the witches laughing at him, and the cats were laughing as well. The ground turned to mud, but at least he was able to slide the rock over the ground, rather than carry it.


As it turned out, this wasn't such a good idea. The rock slid away down a hill. He could see that it was heading for his house, but there was nothing he could do about it. The rock crashed through his back door and it ended up in his fridge. The witches' laughter was so loud it drowned out the sound of the bagpipes.


On the following day, Bertie decided to seek the advice of a man called Fintan, who claimed to be descended from a High King of Ireland. Bertie told him about the trouble he was having with the witches. After considering it for a few minutes, Fintan said, "Make a film and get them to star in it. They love appearing in films."


"Where am I going to get the money and the time and the skills and the people and the equipment to make a film? I don't have any of these things."


"You just need a video camera to convince them that you're making a short experimental film that you hope to show at European film festivals."


"Now that I think about it, I'll have everything I need if my brother gives me a loan of his video camera."


Bertie went to see the witches on the hilltop later that evening. He said to them, "As ye're no doubt aware, I've been admiring ye from afar for some time now. The opportunity to observe ye at closer quarters has greatly enhanced my admiration. This is why I'd like all three of ye to appear in a short film I'm making."


The witches smiled simultaneously. One of them clicked her fingers and the cat stopped making bagpipe sounds. Instead, each meow sounded like waves on a beach. It was a relaxing sound.


"When do you want to shoot us?" one of the witches said.


Bertie was confused by this question. He wondered how long it would take to get a gun, but then he realised the true meaning of the question. "Tomorrow evening," he said. "I'd like to start 'shooting' right here on the hilltop, and then maybe as ye walk through the fields or along the banks of the river."


"We'll be here."


When he arrived on the following evening they were waiting for him. They were wearing make-up, which did nothing to enhance their features. Bertie guessed that they were trying to look their best, but the clothes they wore made them look as if they belonged to a circus.


He spent half an hour filming them walking through the fields and along river bank, and standing behind a ditch. When it started to get dark he said he had enough footage. One of them said, "When and where will the premiere take place?"


Bertie had never thought about that. He said, "I can't say exactly when because I don't know how long the editing process will take, but I hope to screen it in the village hall."


They seemed pleased with this. Bertie was far from pleased because there was something else he hadn't thought of: an editing process. But then he remembered that Gerry, one of his friends, had made some music videos for a local band. These videos weren't very sophisticated (they showed the band wearing helmets and hitting each other with sticks), but Gerry would know about the editing process.


Bertie showed the footage of the witches to Gerry, and he said it would be a simple task to edit this into a short film. The editing process began straightaway and it was completed in under an hour. Gerry said he'd add fake credits and a title sequence to make the film look real.


Bertie organised a screening in the village hall. When the witches arrived at the hall they were wearing their best clothes but it was difficult to tell how much make-up they'd used because they were wearing sunglasses with huge lenses. One of them had a dead fox over her shoulders.


Gerry arrived with a DVD of the film. He said, "I've been making a few slight changes. I thought the title sequence and the credits needed music. Some friends of mine provided that. In this version I've also added scenes of people hitting each other with sticks. I thought it would go well with the music, and it makes a good contrast with the scenes of the witches. I've made another version without the music or the people with sticks."


Bertie was able to breathe again when he heard about the other version. They screened the one without the music or the sticks. Bertie started to relax after the film began. Gerry had done a great job with the title sequence at the start. But when this was over, Bertie noticed something that Gerry hadn't mentioned. He had added a voice-over, and it sounded just like the voice-overs in nature documentaries. He described the witches' daily routines. When he mentioned their mating habits Bertie looked around to see if there was a clear path to the nearest exit. If Bertie had known about the voice-over he'd have chosen the version with the music and the sticks.


But the witches loved the film because they thought they looked great in it. And Gerry was right about their mating habits. He had some personal experience of this area.


The moose's head over the fireplace has remained completely still for the past few days. He's trying to hear the faint humming noise the wife's aunt hears every time she goes into the room. She thinks it has something to do with the elephant footprints she found in the garden. She found them on Saturday but she lost them again. When I was cycling down the garden paths I had a feeling I was being watched, but I would have noticed if an elephant was in the garden. The wife's aunt reminded me of the time I failed to notice the donkey who was behind me for three hours, but donkeys are nothing like elephants.