'Darcy and O'Mara' is a novel by Arthur Cronin.
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Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Strawberry Jam

September is just around the corner. The grass is slowing down now, in its upward growth. It never really moves any other way, and I’m all in favour of that. One direction is enough for it.

My cousin Isobel had a go at growing strawberries in a field behind her house, and she was very happy with the crop she produced. She tried making strawberry jam, and she was even happier with the results of this. For weeks she was taking jars of jam around to her relatives and friends, and telling them about how she made it. When she met my cousin Hector she spoke for half an hour about the finer points of jam making, and he couldn’t get a word in edgeways. He was trying to tell her about a helicopter ride he’d won in a table quiz at his local pub. He was the only one who knew how many times Bobby (one of the barmen) tried to climb a lamp post outside the pub on the previous Christmas when he was trying to get in through an upstairs window. Hector was glad he counted.

After she left, he decided to try some of the jam, but he couldn’t get the top off it. His brother, Albert, was there too (he was going to accompany Hector on the helicopter ride), and he had a go at it. He couldn't get it off either, but he didn’t give up so easily.

Isobel had also given some of the jam to my cousin Jane, and she was supposed to call around with another jar of it. When Jane was in the back garden with her friend Claudia, she said, “Isobel will be calling around with her snoozeberry jam.”

“Why do you call it snoozeberry jam?”

“Because it’d put you to sleep when she talks about her strawberry jam.”

“Oh… Is it something she puts in it?”

“No, it’s nothing to do with the jam itself. It’s just the way she goes on and on about it.”

When Hector was in the helicopter, he noticed a tree he’d seen before. He said to Albert in the back, “There’s the tree where you said that squirrel was looking at you.”

When he looked back, Albert was still trying to get the top off the jam. “Leave that thing alone,” Hector said. He looked down again, and he saw a familiar figure walking on the road. It was Isobel. He asked the pilot if they could get out for a while, so they landed in a field. Hector and Albert went out. Hector just wanted to see if Isobel could open the jam jar. He was hoping she would, just to embarrass his brother, but she couldn’t open it either. She wasn’t paying much attention to it really. She had never seen a helicopter land in a field before, and she was even more surprised when her two cousins came out of it. She didn’t know what to think when they asked her to open a jam jar.

She looked dazed when she arrived at Jane’s place. Jane said, “Have you any more interesting stories about the jam?” and she winked at Claudia.Isobel said, “On my way here, a helicopter landed in a field next to the road. Hector and Albert got out. They asked me to open a jam jar, but I couldn’t. They thanked me anyway, and then they got back into the helicopter and flew off again.”

She stared ahead as she spoke. Jane stared at her for a while, then she said, “Why don’t we go inside for some tea.”

When Isobel was out of earshot, Claudia whispered, “She’s definitely putting something in the jam.”

“Well maybe she is now,” Jane said. “Because she’s never come up with anything as interesting as that. Her stories are normally just about making jam.”

They went into the kitchen and Jane made the tea. She was very tempted to try some of the jam that Isobel brought, and so was Claudia, but they thought it might be dangerous. Isobel was still staring into space. Claudia eventually whispered, “I’ll try some if you do too.”

So they both made sandwiches with the jam, and they ate the sandwiches at exactly the same time. They didn’t move for a few minutes, waiting for the effect of the jam to take hold. Jane smiled and nodded, and then Claudia nodded too, and laughed a little bit. They went outside in the back garden again, moving very slowly, carefully examining everything they saw.

As they stood on the grass they saw a butterfly in the sky. As it got nearer, they could hear the sound of a helicopter, but they kept staring at the butterfly. “The colours are beautiful,” Jane said. The sound got louder - it sounded very much like a helicopter landing right behind them, but they didn’t turn around. They looked at the butterfly as it landed on the back of a chair. It flew away to the sound of a helicopter taking off, and the three of them kept looking at it until it disappeared, the sound fading away.

They only turned around when they heard voices behind them. Hector and Albert were standing there, and Albert was covered in jam. “I got it open,” he said.

“He also got us thrown out of the bloody helicopter,” Hector said. “Not literally. But now we have to walk home.”

Jane, Claudia and Isobel just stared at them in silence. They kept looking at them as Hector and Albert walked around the side of the house. It was Jane who eventually broke the silence. She said to Isobel, “You must show me how to make that jam.”

The moose’s head over the fireplace likes this time of year. He always looks very relaxed in September. This will be the first September in the house for the surprised hen in the painting, and I don’t think there’s much chance of it ever looking relaxed. It still looks just as surprised as ever. Surely it should have adjusted to its surroundings by now. Although the wife once asked it if there was anything it would like to talk about, and that certainly surprised me.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Vikings

It looks as if summer is coming to an end again. I can remember saying that a few months ago, so you never know, I suppose.

My cousin Ronan was a member of a musical society, and just before Christmas one year, they were doing a musical about Vikings having a party in the snow. Ronan had once left this musical society after an incident with a Shetland pony, and he formed an amateur dramatics society with a few others who left with him. But after this failed, they were allowed back into the original musical society. Ronan wanted to play one of the Vikings, but he was given the role of an elf instead. He didn’t complain because he was just glad to be back with his old friends. Ronan’s sister, June, called in to see a rehearsal one day. She brought her kids, Daisy and Graham. There was a table-tennis table in the hall where the musical was, and two of the Vikings were playing on it. One of them had a box of chocolates on the table, and he was eating the chocolates as he played. The kids stared at him. He often looked over at them, but they kept staring at him. When the ball landed in the box of chocolates, both Vikings started laughing, but Daisy and Graham just stared. Neither of them said a word until after they left the hall. As they walked home through the snow, Daisy said to Graham, “Why were the Vikings playing table tennis and eating chocolates?” “I don’t know. Why were we staring at them?” “I don’t know.” Ronan and June’s sister, Rachel, won a Christmas hamper full of wine and food, but there was also a working model of a lighthouse in it. She had no idea why this would be in a hamper, or what it had to do with Christmas. She brought it to June’s house on that evening, and she turned it on. When June’s pet duck, Sleepy, saw the light, he moved towards it He stared at the light as it turned around. On the following day, Daisy and Graham played football in the snow outside the hall. They had drawn an owl’s face on the ball. Some of the Vikings were outside, and they stared at the ball. Daisy said, “We drew the face of an owl on this football.” The Vikings didn’t say anything. They just continued staring at the ball. When they went back inside for the rest of their rehearsal, Daisy said, “It’s so easy to transfix Vikings.” Daisy and Graham went back to the hall on the following day, and all of the Vikings were taking a break from the rehearsal. There were about twenty of them, and each one was eating crisps very slowly. The kids stared at them, and the Vikings just looked back, still eating the crisps. Daisy and Graham left the hall, and they thought they heard the Vikings laughing inside. Daisy said, “Why did we stare at them that time?” “I don’t know.” “I mean, there’s nothing odd about Vikings eating crisps.” “I know.” When the kids saw Sleepy staring at the light on the lighthouse, they got another idea for transfixing the Vikings. On the night of the first performance, the Vikings were throwing snow balls at each other at the back of the hall about ten minutes before the show was supposed to start. Daisy and Graham shone a torch on the snow nearby, and all of the Vikings stared at it. The kids walked away, and the Vikings followed the light on the snow. They led the Vikings to their house just down the road, to where Sleepy was staring at the lighthouse in the front garden. The Vikings stared at Sleepy. When Sleepy looked back and saw twenty Vikings behind him, he turned around and stared at them. Back in the hall, Ronan and the other actors went out looking for the Vikings. When the audience heard that people were outside looking for Vikings in the snow, they went out and joined the search too. Someone found them in June’s garden, and everyone gathered there. They stood and stared at the Vikings and Sleepy, with the light on the lighthouse going around. Carol singers started singing ‘Away in a Manger’. Sleepy finally fell asleep, and then the Vikings looked around. Daisy and Graham were pointing and laughing at them.

The moose’s head over the fireplace looked very happy after watching Mastermind. I think he deliberately tries to look happy just to show that he got more correct answers than the winner. The wife’s niece thought that the teapot on the sideboard looked sad. She never said a word about the happy looking moose or the surprised hen in the painting. The teapot looks just the same as ever to me. Maybe it wouldn’t look sad if the moose’s head didn’t look so happy.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Fig Ringbow-Shed

I stood in the orchard as the sun went down. It gets very dark in there, and it’s getting dark earlier these days. I could see a few stars above through the leaves.

My cousin Ronan met up with another cousin, Gary, on one Saturday afternoon, and they were talking about some of the things they used to do when they were young, like looking for stupid names in the phone book, and calling the numbers. Ronan said, “Do you remember Fig Ringbow-Shed?” “No.” “That was one of the names.” “That’s stupid.” “Yeah well that’s why we phoned his number.” “You just made that up.” “I didn’t. I’ll prove it.” Ronan got the phone book and looked through it, but he couldn’t find Fig Ringbow-Shed, or any Ringbow-Shed. Gary said, “You’re just imagining it.” But Ronan was determined to prove it. He was sure that Fig Ringbow-Shed lived not too far away, so he asked everyone if they’d ever heard of him. Uncle Ben said, “I once knew someone called Delia Ringbow-Shed.” “Did she have a brother called Fig? Or a sister?” Ben thought about it for a while and said he couldn’t remember anyone called Fig Ringbow-Shed. Gary said, “That’s because Ronan made it up.” Ronan said, “Well I didn’t make up the surname.” “Yeah, but how likely is it that someone would be called ‘Fig’?” “It’s more likely than someone having ‘Ringbow-Shed’ as a surname. And someone does.” “Yeah, but how likely is it that someone would have ‘Fig’ as a first name and ‘Ringbow-Shed’ as a surname?” “Very likely. Because someone does.” Gary still insisted that Ronan was just imagining it. Ronan kept asking everyone if they had heard of Fig Ringbow-Shed, and his mother, Aunt Bridget, was getting sick of it. When she was talking to my cousin Jane, she said, “If Ronan asks about Fig Ringbow-Shed, just change the subject.” Jane had no idea what her aunt was talking about, and she didn’t want to ask. She didn’t know how to change the subject either, so she said, “I have to go and play a game of tennis now.” She left to meet her friend, Claudia, and they went to the tennis courts. At deuce in Claudia’s first service game, just as she was getting ready to serve, she said, “There were all sorts of snow ghosts in the last four miles.” Then she served and it was an ace. Jane didn’t even move for it. She said, “You just said that to put me off.” “No I didn’t.” “You did. Why else would you say it?” “What’s off-putting about it?” “You just said that to put me off.” “What did you think I said?” Jane wondered if she heard it wrong, and she didn’t want to say anything about snow ghosts, so she said, “Just get on with the game.” When Jane was serving at a crucial point in the next set, she said, “Fig Ringbow-Shed is coming around for tea,” and then she served an ace. Claudia said, “Why did you say that?” “What did you think I said?” “It sounded like ‘Fig Ringbow-Shed is coming around for tea’.” “That’s right.” “You definitely just said that to put me off.” “I didn’t. He is coming around for tea. Tomorrow.” “Who’s Fig Ringbow-Shed?” “He’s a friend of mine.” “I’d love to meet someone called Fig Ringbow-Shed.” “Fine. You can come around for tea too.” Ronan and Gary were due to call over that evening, and Jane thought she could just ask Ronan if he’d introduce her to Fig, but then she remembered that Bridget said to avoid the subject of Fig Ringbow-Shed. When Ronan and Gary arrived, Claudia and Jane were talking to them in the back garden, and Jane said nothing about Fig at first, as she was trying to figure out how to approach the subject. But then Claudia said that Fig Ringbow-Shed was coming around for tea tomorrow. Ronan was delighted with this news. He said, “So Fig Ringbow-Shed does exist?” and he looked at Gary as he said it. Jane said, “Of course he exists. He’s coming around for tea.” Ronan asked if he could meet Fig, and Jane said of course he could. As she tried to find a way out of this mess, the phone rang inside and she went to answer it. David, a friend of hers, was on the phone, and she thought about asking David if he’d pretend to be Fig Ringbow-Shed, but then she remembered that Claudia knows David too. But she found a way around this problem. She asked him if he’d pretend to be Fig on the phone, and when she went outside she said, “That was Fig Ringbow-Shed on the phone just now. He can’t make it for tea tomorrow.” Claudia said, “Because he doesn’t exist,” and Gary nodded. Jane said, “No, he does. You can talk to him on the phone if you want, Ronan.” “That’d be just perfect,” Ronan said. So Jane dialled the number for him, and when David answered, Ronan said, “Hello, I’m looking for Fig Ringbow-Shed.” “Yes. My name is Fig Ringbow-Shed.” When Ronan made those prank phone calls he’d just say something like ‘you’re Fig Ringbow-Shed’, then laugh and hang up. This didn’t seem appropriate any more. Earlier in the day his mother asked him if he knew anyone who wanted to buy a kettle, because a friend of hers had one to sell. He had said, “Why would I know anyone who wants to buy a kettle?” When he was on the phone and under pressure to come up with something, this was the only thing he could think of, so he said, “My cousin Jane was saying you wanted to buy a kettle.” David thought he should play along with this too, so he said, “Yes. I do.” Ronan said that he had a kettle to sell, and they arranged to meet on the following day. This would have been okay, but Claudia said she’d like to meet Fig, and Ronan said she was more than welcome to come along. Jane came up with another idea. She just had to keep Claudia away from David while Ronan was around, so she suggested that they meet Fig at a town fete in the park on the following day. She thought she had a better chance keeping people away from each other with so many distractions around them. Ronan went home to ask his mother if he could buy the kettle. At the fete on the next day, Jane wanted to get rid of Claudia, so she said she heard that Darren was there and Nicole was spending a lot of time with him. Claudia left straightaway to find Darren. Jane waited for Ronan and Gary to arrive so she could introduce them to David, but before they got there, Uncle Ben arrived with a woman who Jane had never seen before. He said, “I’d like you to meet Delia Watson, formerly Delia Ringbow-Shed before she married Billy Watson. I had completely forgotten about this, but she used to be known as ‘Fig’ because of… Why did you get that nickname?” “I’d rather not talk about that,” Delia said. Jane said, “It’s lovely to meet you,” and then she turned to her uncle and said, “But I don’t think you should introduce Delia to Ronan. He’d be very embarrassed after making those phone calls.” Ben said, “That’s exactly why I brought her along,” and Delia said, “And that’s exactly why I came along.” Jane looked around and saw a way of getting rid of Ben. She pointed at someone and said, “Isn’t he the bee-keeper who made fun of your attempt to keep bees?” Ben said, “Oh yes. I need to have a word with him,” and he left them. Jane said to Delia, “He could be gone for a while. Why don’t I introduce you to Ronan.” They went over to where David was waiting and Jane said, “This is my cousin Ronan. Ronan, this is Delia Watson, who used to be Fig Ringbow-Shed.” She winked at David, and he said, “I’m very pleased to meet you.” Delia said, “I’m glad you’re so happy to meet me now. I’m delighted you got so much entertainment from my name alone. And I’m very pleased to meet you too because now I can get that same entertainment from just looking at you.” David said, “Look, I just came here to buy a kettle, not to be insulted.” Jane got rid of David by saying that Nicole was there and Darren was spending a lot of time with her. Jane and Delia found Ben with Aunt Bridget, and Delia said, “I just met Ronan. He told me he came here to buy a kettle, not to be insulted.” Bridget said, “I’d love to know what he’s buying all those kettles for. I knew he was up to something.” Jane thought she might just get out of this, but then Ronan and Gary arrived, and within seconds, Claudia and David came over to join them. Jane was afraid that Ronan would ask her where Fig is, that Bridget would ask Ronan what he was up to with the kettles, that Claudia would call David by his real name, or… She was sure there were lots of other things she didn’t want to happen too, and she was sure at least one of them would happen before too long, so before anyone had a chance to say anything, she said, “The snow ghosts looked very, very happy, not to mention numerous, and tall, taller than when I last saw them, but then the spider lights would have made them seem… and the man from the sound…” They all stared at her. She pointed at something behind them and said, “Look at what Darren and Nicole are doing in front of the girl guides.” When they all turned around she just ran away.

The moose’s head over the fireplace has been trying to look dignified recently, while the wife is painting his portrait. Yesterday the dog coughed up a shoe lace in front of the fireplace. The moose’s head tried to ignore him, and continued looking dignified. But he seems slightly less dignified than he was before.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Painting Deer

I sat on a garden seat in the evening. The dog sat on the grass and stared at me. I tried staring at him too, but nothing happened.

My cousin Jessica is an art teacher, and she’s a very promising artist herself. A friend of hers gave her tickets to a lecture by a diplomat on painting deer. Jessica had no interest in listening to a diplomat talk about painting deer, but she went along rather than let her friend think that she was ungrateful. Jessica was giving art lessons to my cousin Ronan. He has a friend called Fred who always seems to be in luck. He won five-hundred euro on a horse whose neck was stuck in a small gate, and he won even more than that betting on ducks. So Ronan asked Fred to pick his lottery numbers. Fred wrote the numbers on a piece of paper, and he said he chose them based on the number of owls he killed in the past week. Ronan told his family that he was confident of winning because it was Fred who chose the numbers, but he couldn’t tell them how the numbers were decided, even though he didn’t believe that Fred had killed any owls at all. He told his sister, Rachel, that Fred chose the numbers based on the amount of swans he’s saved in the past week, and she said, “Well which number is that?” Ronan saw the flaw in Fred’s story about killing owls then, but he had to come up with an explanation. He said, “The first one is for swans, and the second one is for… rabbits…” It took him a few minutes to come up with animals for each number, and then the final one seemed obvious. “And the sixth one is owls.” Rachel looked at the ticket and said, “He’s saved thirty-four owls in the past week?” “Yes,” Ronan said and nodded. “How did he save thirty-four owls?” “I don’t know. I suppose someone must have been trying to kill them, and he must have prevented this person from killing them.” “Thirty-four times?” “Yes.” The dog managed to climb onto the roof of the shed one day, and he seemed quite happy up there, but Rachel thought he needed to be saved. She knew just to man to save him too. When Fred called around she asked him about saving the owls. He said, “Well I don’t know about saving them. I have killed a few.” “So you were the one trying to kill them, not the one trying to save them.” “I didn’t notice anyone trying to save them.” Rachel turned to the dog on the roof and said, “Stay up there. Stay.” The dog looked as if he had every intention of staying on the roof. Rachel put up her thumbs and smiled at him. When she met Ronan later she said, “The dog is on the roof because he knows your friend is around. And he’s wondering how many dogs Fred is going to try to kill to get his lottery numbers.” Jessica wasn’t expecting much from the lecture on painting deer, but the diplomat showed her how you could paint just about anything and turn it into a deer. She decided to demonstrate this by painting the dog on the roof. When Ronan saw the finished painting of a deer in the woods, he said to her, “You just painted that from memory.” She said, “No, it’s this technique I learnt from the diplomat. I’ll show you how.” So she showed him how to do it and he decided to have a go himself. He sat down with a sketchbook and she said to him, “Just draw what you see using this technique, and it’ll come out like a deer.” Ronan concentrated on drawing the scene in front of him and applying the diplomat’s technique. When Jessica came back to look at the finished drawing, he had drawn a deer in the woods, but next to it was Fred with a golf club. Rachel said, “You definitely just drew that from memory because I’m sure you would have seen that about… twenty-seven times over the past week.” Fred said, “I was just giving a biscuit to the dog. When you give a biscuit to a dog on the roof of a shed and draw it using the diplomat’s technique, it must come out looking like someone holding a golf club next to a deer.” Jessica suggested that he give another biscuit to the dog, just so she could see what it looks like. So he got another biscuit, and climbed the stepladder next to the shed. Jessica tried to visualise what it would look like if it was drawn using the technique she learnt in the lecture. Rachel was worried about what Fred would do to the dog, so when he got onto the roof, she shouted, “Attack!” The dog stood up and growled. Fred got a shock and fell off the shed, and his foot got tangled in the clothesline. He hung upside down from the clothesline and swayed from side to side. Jessica said, “He’s right. That does look like someone holding a golf club next to a deer.”

The moose’s head over the fireplace has a very superior look about him these days. I showed him photos of other moose’s heads in a book of Great Houses in Ireland, and he looked very unimpressed with all of them. Most of them looked either bored or dazed, so the ability to look unimpressed did make him look more impressive than any of them. He has every right to look superior.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

The Spoon

I walked around the garden and stopped near the glasshouse. I look up at the grey clouds above. I looked down, and the garden hadn’t changed since the last time I saw it. Although I don’t remember that garden gnome making that gesture before.

My cousin Mike and his wife, Louise, have a few geese. They’ve become pets now; they’re almost part of the family. One day Mike left a teaspoon on the patio table and one of the geese took it. He had the spoon in his mouth for hours, and every time Mike or Louise went near him, he walked away from them because he knew they’d try to take the spoon. They tried to exchange it for something else, like a candle or a bottle of Coke. They tried lots of different things, but the goose wouldn’t give up the spoon. Just as they were about to give up hope, Mike held up his car keys. The goose stared at them for a while, and then he dropped the spoon and took the keys. They were both glad to get the spoon back, although Mike was more interested in the victory over the goose rather than the spoon. But then they wondered how they’d get the keys. They tried the candle again, but the goose just walked away with the keys. Louise said, “Just give him back the spoon.” Mike said, “There’s no way I’m giving him back the spoon. It’s the principle of the thing.” “How are you going to get your car keys back?” “Not by giving him the spoon anyway. It’s the principle.” Louise walked towards him and said, “Just give me the spoon,” but Mike walked away and said, “No! Get away from me.” Louise thought about what she could give Mike to get the spoon off him. She tried a cake and a few other things, but they didn’t work. She even tried the candle. Then she thought of her father’s homemade wine. It tasted nothing like wine, and it was much stronger. Mike had grown very attached to it, but Louise told her father not to give him any because he once had a conversation with the fridge after drinking it. She got a bottle of this from her father and offered it to Mike in exchange for the spoon. He thought about it for a while, but still he refused to give up the spoon. Louise tried a different tactic. She called his friend, Alan, and offered him the wine. In exchange for this, she asked him to phone Mike and tell him that there was a clown stuck in a tree outside his house. Alan did this, and Mike was desperate to go to Alan’s house to see the clown in the tree. He asked Louise for the keys to her car, but of course she refused. Mike still wasn’t willing to give the spoon back to the goose, so he tried a different tactic himself. He had a very odd hat, and whenever he wore it, people would stare at it. This was useful when he needed to distract people, like when the dog got sick on the patio during a party. He just put on the hat and no one noticed what was going on. So Mike to put on his hat to distract the goose, and it worked too. The goose with the keys just stared at the hat as Mike moved slowly forward. He reached down to take the keys from the goose’s mouth, but then the hat fell off. The goose put his head into the hat, and he couldn’t get his head back out again. He walked all around the garden, even though he couldn’t see where he was going. Mike and Louise looked at him for over ten minutes, until the hat finally fell off his head. And then they noticed the other goose walking around with the spoon in his mouth. Mike had left the spoon in the kitchen when he put the hat on. While Mike and Louise were distracted by the goose in the hat, this other goose had gone into the kitchen to get the spoon. They looked at the two geese and wondered what they could exchange for a spoon and car keys. Mike thought of getting them drunk on the wine, but he knew Louise would never go for that.

The moose’s head over the fireplace always falls asleep during Formula One races. I think it’s just the sound of the engines rather than the lack of action. He wakes up when he hears cars stop outside, and he seems to be able to identify those cars too. You can tell by the look on his face if the wife’s uncle William is there. He’s the one who made three hundred and forty-seven slides of his trip to Morocco, three hundred and forty-six of which he showed to us one evening (he wouldn’t show us one of a camel running away with his hat, which would have been much more interesting than the many slides of a camel and the hat on their own). The moose’s head stayed awake all the time during that.